DNA Page 2
JAN: You know what he’s like, he’s
MARK: Do anything. And you’re thinking ‘Will he do anything? What won’t he do?’
JAN: Let us punch him.
MARK: he was laughing
JAN: In the face.
MARK: He was laughing.
JAN: at first
MARK: Yeah, at first he was, I mean we took it a bit far, alright, half hour, forty minutes
JAN: I mean he was still joking all the way, but
MARK: you could tell
JAN: He weren’t really
MARK: fear
JAN: well
MARK: you don’t want to admit, you know what he’s like, Phil...
JAN: Stubbed out cigarettes on him.
MARK: joking, we were
JAN: Arms, hands, face
MARK: having a laugh, really, he was laughing
JAN: and crying, soles of his feet
MARK: or crying, sort of, a bit of both
JAN: Made him run across the motorway
MARK: you’re thinking what is this nutter, and with the vodka making you feel a bit, you know, you’re having a laugh, together, what is this nutter gonna do next, we can make him do, we can make him do –
JAN: That’s when I went home
MARK: anything, yeah, only because you had to.
JAN: I wasn’t there when –
MARK: Only because you had to, you would’ve been there otherwise, you did all the...
Beat.
We went up the grille. You know, that shaft up there on the hill. Just a big hole really, hole with a grille over it, covering, just to see if he’d climb the fence, really and he did, and we thought, you know, he’s climbed the fence which we didn’t think he’d do so walk, you know, walk on the grille, Adam, walk on the, and he did, he’s walked on, you know, wobbling and that but he’s walking on the grille and we’re all laughing and he’s scared because if you slip, I mean it’s just blackness under you, I mean it’s only about fifteen foot wide so, but it might be hundreds of feet into blackness, I dunno, but he’s doing it, he’s walked on the grille. He’s on the grille. He is.
And someone’s pegged a stone at him.
Not to hit him, just for the laugh.
And you shoulda seen his face, I mean the fear, the, it was so, you had to laugh, the expression, the fear...
So we’re all peggin them. Laughing. And his face, it’s just making you laugh harder and harder, and they’re getting nearer and nearer. And one hits his head. And the shock on his face is so...funny. And we’re all just...
just...
really chucking these stones into him, really hard and laughing and he slips.
And he drops.
Into...
Into the er...
So he’s...
So he’s...
So he’s –
JOHN TATE: Dead. He’s dead.
Cathy says you’re clever.
So. What do we do?
Pause. They all stare at LEAH and PHIL.
LEAH goes to say something, but nothing comes out.
Silence.
More silence.
PHIL puts his Coke carefully on the ground.
PHIL: Cathy, Danny, Mark, you go to Adam’s house, you wait until his mum’s out, you break in
DANNY: What?
PHIL: through an upstairs window so it’s out of the way, make sure no-one sees you. Get in, go to his bedroom, find a pair of his shoes and an item of his clothing, a jumper or something, don’t touch the jumper, that’s very important, do not touch the jumper, but you have to get it in the plastic bag without touching it
CATHY: What plastic bag?
PHIL: The refuse sacks that you are going to buy on the way, do not use the first one on the roll, use the third or fourth, do not be tempted to use a bin liner you have knocking around the house as that will be a DNA nightmare.
Richard, you take Brian to the Head, tell him that you found Brian crying in the toilets, asked him what was wrong and when he told you, you brought him here.
RICHARD: Me? But I hate him!
PHIL: Brian, you cry
RICHARD: Me with Brian?
PHIL: and you tell them a man showed you his willy in the woods
BRIAN: Wha...what?
PHIL: by the bridge, last week, a fat Caucasian male, 5 feet 9 inches say, with thinning hair and a postman’s uniform, sad eyes, softly spoken
DANNY: Who’s that?
PHIL: The man who showed Brian his willy in the woods, please keep up, I’m making this up as I go along
DANNY: What were his teeth like?
PHIL: Bad, very bad.
DANNY: Thought so.
PHIL: Lou, Danny and Jan you take the shoes, Lou you put them on, and you enter the woods from the south entrance
CATHY: Which one’s south?
MARK: By the Asda.
PHIL: Danny you enter from the east entrance with Jan on your back
DANNY: Is he taking the piss?
PHIL: the weight of the two of you combined should equal that of a fat postman with bad teeth, you make your way into the woods, do not put her down unless it’s on concrete or a tree trunk, never when you’re walking on mud. You meet Lou near the bridge, you move around a bit, you exit from the South,
MARK: By the Asda.
PHIL: Cathy and Mark you meet them there, but on the way you find a quiet street, you wait until it’s just you and a man, you walk ahead of him and when you far ahead you drop the jumper. The man picks it up, runs after you covering it in DNA and then gives it back, make sure you let him drop it in the bag, say you’re taking it to a charity shop. Take it to the south entrance, tear it a little, chuck it in a hedge, all go home and wait a day or two until Adam’s declared missing and then John Tate comes forward and says he thinks he saw Adam with a fat man in a uniform by Asda’s but he can’t be sure, they’ll think he’s been abducted, they’ll be inquiries, police, a mourning service and if everyone keeps their mouths shut we should be fine.
Any questions?
They stare at him open mouthed.
He bends down. Picks up his Coke.
Starts to drink his Coke.
* * *
A Field. LEAH and PHIL sitting.
Pause.
LEAH: Apparently bonobos are our nearest relative. For years people thought they were chimpanzees, but they’re not, they are completely different. Chimps are evil. They murder each other, did you know that? They kill and sometimes torture each other to find a better position within the social structure. A chimp’ll just find itself on the outside of a group and before he knows what’s happening it’s being hounded to death by the others, sometimes for months. For years we’ve thought that chimps were our closest living relative, but now they’re saying it’s the bonobos. Bonobos are the complete opposite of chimps. When a stranger bonobo approaches the pack, the other bonobos all come out and go ‘Hello, mate. What you doing round here? Come and meet the family, we can eat some ants.’ And if a bonobo damages its hand, whereas the chimps’ll probably cast it out or bite its hand off, the bonobos will come over and look after it, and they’ll all look sad because there’s a bonobo feeling pain. I saw it on a programme. Such sadness in those intelligent eyes. Empathy. That’s what bonobos have. Amazing really, I mean they’re exactly like chimps, but the tiniest change in their DNA... The woman was saying that if we’d discovered bonobos before chimps our understanding of ourselves would be very different.
Pause. PHIL pulls out a bag of crisps.
You don’t care, do you. I could be talking Chinese for all you care. How do you do it? You’re amazing. You’re unreal. I sometimes think you’re not human. I sometimes think I wonder what you would do if I killed myself, right here in front of you. What would you do? What you do, Phil?
No answer.
Phil, what would you do? Phil?
Still no answer.
Suddenly she grabs her throat.
I’m gonna do it!
&nbs
p; She squeezes.
I mean it! I’m gonna do it...
No answer. She strangles herself, her face turning red.
She falls to her knees with the exertion.
PHIL looks on.
She is in considerable pain. Grits her teeth and squeezes.
She strangles until she is lying prone on the floor.
(Gasping...) Phil! This is it...
She stops.
Lies there, panting.
PHIL opens his crisps and begins to eat them.
LEAH gets up, sits next to PHIL.
PHIL eats on.
Course, they fuck a lot. Bonobos. Always at it. Sex mad. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, constant sex, randy, in the bonobo world having it off is like saying I like your shoes. Partner-swapping, men and women, women and men, women and women, men on men, fathers, mothers, children, oral sex, group masturbation, sub-dom, inter-racial, bestiality, the lot, it was like an orgy, when bonobos get going, it was fairly disgusting, actually.
Pause.
But that’s bonobos for you.
Pause.
We’re in trouble now.
We’re in trouble now, Phil. Don’t now how this’ll pan out.
Trouble now.
Two
A Street. JAN and MARK.
Pause.
JAN: What?
MARK: He’s not going.
JAN: What do you mean he’s not going?
MARK: He’s not going.
JAN: He’s not going?
MARK: Yes.
JAN: That’s what he said?
MARK: Yes.
JAN: He said he’s not going?
MARK: Yeah, he said he’s not, he’s not...
JAN: What?
MARK: Going.
Beat.
JAN: Is he off his head?
MARK: I know.
JAN: Is he insane?
MARK: I know.
JAN: Is he joking?
MARK: I know, I know.
JAN: No, that’s a question.
MARK: He’s not joking, he’s not going, he’s said he’s not going, I said you’ve gotta go, he said he’s not going, ‘I’m not going’ he said.
JAN: That’s what he said?
MARK: That’s what he said, I’m saying that’s what he said.
JAN: Fuck.
MARK: Exactly.
Beat.
JAN: What are we going to do?
* * *
A Field. PHIL and LEAH, PHIL slowly eating a pack of Starburst. LEAH has a Tupperware container on her lap.
LEAH: Are you happy?
No, don’t answer that, Jesus, sorry, what’s wrong with me, sorry –
Are you?
No, I’m just wondering. I mean what is happy, what’s happy all about, who says you’re supposed to be happy, like we’re all supposed to be happy, happy is our natural, and any deviation from that state is seen as a failure, which in itself makes you more unhappy so you have to pretend to be even happier which doesn’t work because people can see that you’re pretending which makes them awkward and you can see that they can see that you’re pretending to be happy and their awkwardness is making you even more unhappy so you have to pretend to be even happier, it’s a nightmare. It’s like nuclear waste or global warming.
Beat.
Isn’t it Phil? Phil? Isn’t it, like nuclear...
PHIL doesn’t answer.
Yeah, you know, you know it is, you know more than I do, I can’t tell you any, you know. People getting all upset about polluting the natural order? When this planet is churning molten lava with a thin layer of crust on top with a few kilometres of atmosphere clinging to it? I mean, please, don’t gimme all that, carbon dioxide? Carbon dioxide, Phil? And look at the rest of the universe, Venus, Phil, there’s a, look at Venus, what about Venus, hot enough to melt lead or Titan with oceans of liquid nitrogen, I mean stars, Phil, a billion nuclear reactions a second, I mean to be honest it’s all either red hot or ice cold, so, so, so... No. It’s life that upsets the natural order. It’s us that’s the anomaly.
But that’s the beauty, isn’t it Phil. I couldn’t say this to anyone else they’d say ‘That’s a pretty fucking grim view of the world, Leah’ but you can see the beauty, which is why I can talk to you, because you can see the incredibly precious beauty and fragility of reality, and it’s the same for happiness, you can apply the same theory to happiness, so don’t start Phil, don’t come here giving it all the, you know, all the, all the...
Beat.
Can you remember the happiest moment in your life?
Beat. PHIL eats another toffo.
I know mine. I know my happiest moment. Week last Tuesday. That sunset. You remember that sunset? Do you? You don’t do you. Oh my God, you don’t.
He says nothing.
She opens the Tupperware container.
Shows it to PHIL.
It’s Jerry. I killed him. I took him out of his cage, I put the point of a screwdriver on his head and I hit it with a hammer. Why do you think I did that?
PHIL shrugs.
No. No, me neither.
She closes the lid.
Everything’s much better, though. I mean really, it is. Everyone’s working together. They’re a lot happier. Remember last month, Dan threatened to kill Cathy? well yesterday I saw him showing her his phone, like they were old friends. Last week Richard invited Mark to his party, bring a friend, anyone you like, can you believe that? Richard and Mark? Yep. Everyone’s happier. It’s pouring into the school, grief, grief is making them happy.
They say John Tate’s lost it though, won’t come out of his room. Bit odd. Maybe that’s what’s making people happier. Maybe it’s just having something to work towards. Together. Do you think that’s what it is. Are we really that simple?
Where will it stop? Only been four days but everything’s changed
Pause.
Adam’s parents were on the telly again last night.
PHIL looks up.
Yeah. Another appeal.
To the fat postman with bad teeth.
What have we done, Phil?
MARK and JAN enter.
JAN: We need to talk.
* * *
A Woods. PHIL and LEAH, LOU and DANNY. PHIL has a muffin.
Pause.
LEAH: What?
DANNY: They’ve found...
They...
Well they’ve found –
LOU: The man.
DANNY: Yeah, they’ve found the man.
LEAH: They’ve found the man?
DANNY: Yeah.
LEAH: They’ve found the man?
DANNY: Yes.
LEAH: Oh my God.
LOU: Exactly.
LEAH: Oh my God.
LOU: That’s what we thought, we thought that, didn’t we, Danny.
DANNY: Yeah, we did.
LEAH: Are you sure? I mean are you...
DANNY: Definitely. He’s in custody now. They’re questioning him.
LEAH: But how, I mean who, how, who, who is, who is, how?
LOU: Dunno.
LEAH: Who is he?
LOU: He’s the man who kidnapped Adam.
LEAH: Right. No.
LOU: Yes.
LEAH: No.
DANNY: Yes.
LEAH: No, no, yeah, no, actually, because that man, the man who, he doesn’t actually, I mean I’m not being fussy or anything, but the man who kidnapped Adam doesn’t actually exist, does he. Well does he?
LOU: No. But they’ve got him.
DANNY: I heard his teeth are awful.
LEAH: You know, I mean he doesn’t, he doesn’t... Phil? Any... any thoughts? Any words, any comments, any...ideas, any, any, any...thing? At all?
I mean this is, this is, isn’t it, this is, is it?
Shit. Oh shit.
DANNY: He answers the description. Fat postman, thinning hair, his teeth are terrible, apparently.
LEAH: But that’s just
LOU: Yeah. Th
at’s what we thought.
LEAH: we just, didn’t we, Phil, we just, we just, I mean you just...
DANNY: What are we gonna do?
LOU: We’re fucked.
LEAH: We’re not...
LOU: We’re –
LEAH: No, no, sorry, no we’re not, are we Phil, I mean we’re, no we’re alright.
DANNY: They’re looking for Brian.
LEAH: Why?
DANNY: Because he can identify him.
LEAH: No he can’t.
LOU: Because he saw him in the woods.
LEAH: He didn’t
LOU: He did, he –
LEAH: No he didn’t because that wasn’t the man in the woods because there wasn’t a man in the woods.
Where’s Brian?
DANNY: Hiding. Dan and Mark have gone to find him.
LOU: He’s shitting it.
LEAH: I mean what, they just picked this bloke up, they just saw him and said ‘You look dodgy, you’re a murderer because you’ve got a postman’s uniform’?
DANNY: Well, there’s the teeth as well.
LEAH: You can’t go to prison for bad teeth.
LOU: What if he goes to prison?
LEAH: He won’t go to prison.
LOU: You just said –
LEAH: He won’t get done for it because he hasn’t...
DANNY: This sort of stuff sticks, you know.
LEAH: Look, everyone, everyone calm, okay. Isn’t that right, Phil. Phil, isn’t that, I mean things are, everything is, well, better and isn’t everyone more, you know, and cheerful and stuff, so let’s, please, let’s –
DANNY: How am I gonna get references?
LOU: We’re fucked.
LEAH: We are not –
DANNY: You need three references for dental college, how am I gonna get references?
RICHARD enters with CATHY.
RICHARD: We just came from the police station. It’s full of reporters.
CATHY: It was great.
RICHARD: It was shit. Phil, have you heard?
LEAH: We heard.
CATHY: They wanted to interview me.
RICHARD: You’ve heard? You know?
CATHY: Didn’t have time, but I’m gonna go back
RICHARD: So you know they’ve caught him?
CATHY: get on the telly
LEAH: How can they have caught someone who doesn’t exist?
RICHARD: I don’t know, Leah.
LEAH: Because that’s impossible.
RICHARD: Why don’t you tell them that? Why don’t you pop down the station and say ‘excuse me, but that fat postman with the bad teeth doesn’t actually exist, so why don’t you let him go’?