DNA Read online

  LEAH: sarcasm, that’s the lowest

  CATHY: they might even give me money for it, do you think I should ask for money?

  LOU: He’s gonna go to prison.

  LEAH: Lou, they are not going to send him to prison because he answers a description they need more than that, they need fibres, they need samples, they need evidence.

  RICHARD: DNA evidence.

  LEAH: Exactly, they need DNA –

  RICHARD: No, they’ve got DNA evidence.

  Beat.

  LEAH: What?

  RICHARD: He answers the description, but they’ve got DNA evidence linking him to the crime.

  LEAH: DN... What are you talking about?

  RICHARD: We spoke to a reporter. They matched up the DNA evidence they found on the jumper to a police database and they came up with this man, this man who answers the description perfectly.

  LEAH: That’s impossible.

  RICHARD: Well it’s what happened.

  LEAH: No, because, we made that description up and they got DNA from a random –

  Beat. She turns to CATHY.

  Cathy?

  Pause. They all stare at CATHY.

  CATHY: You told us to get DNA evidence. We got DNA evidence. We did what you said.

  LEAH: Right.

  Okay.

  Hang on.

  Where did you get the DNA evidence?

  CATHY: From a man, like you said.

  Beat.

  A man down at the sorting office.

  They stare at her.

  LEAH: What?

  CATHY: Well, we thought, you know, I mean you’d given a description so we thought, well, I thought, you know, show initiative, we’ll look for a fat balding postman with bad teeth.

  They stare at her.

  There were quite a few.

  DANNY: Oh my God.

  CATHY: What?

  LOU: Oh my God.

  CATHY: We showed...initiative, we –

  LEAH: And who asked you to do that?

  CATHY: Richard, we showed initiative.

  RICHARD: That is the most stupid –

  DANNY: Oh, Jesus.

  CATHY: Why?

  LEAH: Why? Because there is now a man in prison who is linked to a non-existent crime, answering a description that Brian gave.

  LOU: Oh, Jesus Christ.

  CATHY: But isn’t that...

  LEAH: No, Cathy, it is not what we wanted.

  RICHARD: What we wanted was to cover up what had happened, not to frame someone else.

  LOU: We’re fucked.

  LEAH: Yes. We might actually be... This is a nightmare.

  DANNY: We can’t let them think it’s him. I mean, I really can’t be mixed up in something like that, it wouldn’t be right.

  LOU: What if he goes to prison?

  RICHARD: What if we go to prison?

  LEAH: Yes, I think now, we might just actually be a little bit, well, fucked.

  JAN and MARK enter with BRIAN. BRIAN is crying.

  BRIAN: I’m not going in.

  RICHARD: You dick, Mark.

  MARK: It was her idea!

  LOU: Mark, you dick.

  BRIAN: I’m not going to the police station.

  JAN: He has to. They’re looking for him.

  BRIAN: I can’t go in. It was bad enough talking to them before, saying what I said, but I can’t do it again.

  JAN: They’re searching everywhere for him. They want him to identify the man.

  BRIAN: I can’t identify him, I can’t go in there, don’t make me go in there, I’m not going in there.

  DANNY: This is terrible.

  BRIAN: I can’t face it. They look at me. They look at me like I’m lying and it makes me cry. I can’t stand the way they look at me. And then, because I cry, they think I’m telling the truth, but I’m crying because I’m lying and I feel terrible inside.

  LOU: We’re going to have to tell them.

  LEAH: Maybe we could do nothing?

  DANNY: We can’t do nothing, they want Brian.

  BRIAN: I’m not going in.

  LEAH: Phil?

  No answer.

  Phil?

  Pause. PHIL walks over to BRIAN and lays a hand on his shoulder.

  PHIL: This is a bad situation. We didn’t want this situation. But we’ve got this situation. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. But it is like this.

  Beat.

  You’re going in.

  BRIAN: No.

  PHIL: Yes.

  BRIAN: No, Phil –

  PHIL: Yes, yes, shhhh, yes. Sorry. You have to go in. Or we’ll take you up the grille.

  Pause.

  We’ll throw you in.

  RICHARD: Er, Phil.

  DANNY: Is he serious?

  LEAH: He’s always serious.

  PHIL: We’ll take you up the grille now. Well get you by the arms. By the legs. And we’ll swing you onto the grille. We’ll throw rocks at you until you drop through. You’ll drop through. You’ll fall into the cold. Into the dark. You’ll land on Adam’s corpse and you’ll rot together.

  Beat.

  We’re in trouble now. We need your help. If you don’t help us we’ll kill you. Are you going to help us?

  Pause.

  BRIAN nods.

  Okay. You go in there. Richard’ll take you

  RICHARD: Not me again.

  PHIL: Richard’ll take you. You take a look at that man and you say it’s him. You say it’s the man in the woods. That’s what you do. Okay?

  Slowly, BRIAN nods.

  Everyone else stays calm. Keep your mouths shut. Tell no-one or we’ll all go to prison. Just get on with things.

  He starts to eat his muffin. They stare at him.

  * * *

  A Field. PHIL and LEAH, PHIL picking his teeth.

  Silence.

  Suddenly LEAH jumps up, shocked.

  LEAH: Woah! Woah, woah, woah...

  No reaction from PHIL.

  I just had déjà vu, but really strong, I just...

  and you were...

  I was...

  I mean we were just here and, and...

  I was sitting like that and...

  Woah. I’ve been here before, Phil. Phil?

  PHIL carries on picking his teeth.

  LEAH watches, then explodes.

  That’s exactly what you did when I said Phil! I knew you were going to do that, I said Phil and you picked your teeth, Phil, you just carried on picking your teeth!

  Oh my God. This might be the real thing. Maybe I have been here before. Maybe this has all happened before. Phil? Do you think this has happened before? I know what you’re gonna do next. I can see, I know, I know, you’re gonna... you’re gonna... you’re gonna... do nothing!

  PHIL does nothing.

  Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! You see? This is amazing, this is, the world has just changed, reality is not what we think, Phil maybe, this isn’t real, maybe we’re caught in some sort of... hang on, hang on, a bird is going to... a starling, a starling is going to land by that stone... now!

  Nothing happens.

  Now!

  Still nothing happens.

  Any minute... now!

  Again, nothing happens.

  LEAH sags. She sits back with PHIL.

  Look at that sky.

  Have you ever seen a sky like that? I’ve never seen a sky quite like that. Strange time we’ve been born in. No other time quite like this one.

  Pause.

  Do you think it’s possible to change things? I know, I know, but I feel like this time... I dunno, this time... I feel like this is an important time. Do you think people always feel like that? D’you think we’re doomed to behave like people before us did?

  Phil?

  No answer.

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Pause.

&n
bsp; PHIL!

  Slowly PHIL turns to her.

  If you change one thing you can change the world. Do you believe that?

  PHIL: No.

  LEAH: Right.

  Well I do.

  I do, Phil.

  Beat.

  Phil?

  Three

  A street. JAN and MARK.

  JAN: Okay. Okay. Okay.

  Beat.

  Okay.

  No.

  MARK: Yes.

  JAN: No, no

  MARK: yes

  JAN: no. No way, that’s

  MARK: I know

  JAN: that’s

  MARK: I know, I know

  JAN: And are you...is this...

  I mean are you...there’s no mistake or...

  MARK: No.

  JAN: Because this is

  MARK: That’s what I’m saying

  JAN: this is really

  MARK: Yeah, yes, yeah.

  JAN: really, really

  MARK: Exactly.

  JAN: Are you sure?

  MARK: Yes.

  JAN: Where?

  MARK: In the woods.

  JAN: In the woods?

  MARK: In the woods, Cathy found him in the woods

  JAN: Cathy?

  MARK: Yes.

  JAN: Cathy found him...?

  MARK: Yes, she

  JAN: in the woods?

  MARK: Yes.

  Beat.

  JAN: Cathy found him in the woods?

  MARK: Yes.

  JAN: Oh.

  MARK: I know.

  JAN: I don’t...

  MARK: I know, I know.

  JAN: This is...

  MARK: Yeah.

  JAN: Does anyone know?

  MARK: You and me. And Cathy. For the moment.

  JAN: Right.

  Right.

  Pause.

  Right.

  * * *

  A Field. PHIL sits with a bag.

  Takes out a paper plate.

  Places a waffle on it.

  Takes out a pack of butter and a jar of jam.

  Takes out a knife.

  LEAH turns up. She is carrying a suitcase.

  He stares at her.

  LEAH: I’m going. I’m out of here, I’m gone, I’m, I’m, this is it. I’m running away, Phil.

  PHIL says nothing.

  Where’m I going? I dunno. Wherever the universe decides that I should be. It’s a big world, Phil, a lot bigger than you, it’s a lot bigger than you and me, a lot bigger than all this, these people, sitting here, a lot bigger, a lot lot bigger.

  Pause. PHIL starts to butter his waffle.

  Don’t. No words. There’s no point, so... What’s the point? ‘Why are you going, is it me, is it us, is it what we’ve done, is it what we’re becoming, why Leah, why, is it me, is it the impossibility of ever saying exactly what you mean?’ There’s no point, Phil. So don’t even try. I’m outta here. I’m gone. I am part of history, I’m on a jet-plane, I’m moving, I’m discovering, I’m, I’m, sayonara baby, sayonara Phil and hello discovery and, yeah don’t try and stop me, because, because, exit stage left Leah, right now.

  Right now.

  PHIL stops buttering the waffle.

  Opens the jam.

  Starts putting a thin layer of jam on the waffle.

  Right now. right now, Phil, right, fucking... I mean it! I really, really...

  Pause. PHIL continues with his waffle.

  You’re not going to stop me, are you. You’re not even thinking of stopping me. You’re not even thinking of thinking of stopping me. The only thing in your brain at the moment is that waffle. Your brain is entirely waffle, single-mindedly waffle and maybe a bit of jam, I don’t know how you do it. I admire you so much.

  PHIL decides that the waffle needs more jam.

  LEAH sags. She drops her suitcase and sits with PHIL.

  Did you see Jan at Adam’s memorial? Floods of tears. It was wonderful, everyone felt wonderful, I felt terrible of course, but everyone felt wonderful. It’s incredible. The change. This place. You’re a miracle worker. Everyone’s happy. You know that? You notice that? Cathy was on the telly. Used that clip on every channel. She’s like a celebrity, there are second years asking for her autograph. Suddenly Adam’s everyone’s best friend. Richard’s named his dog Adam. Mark’s mum says if her baby’s a boy she’s going to call him Adam. Funny thing is they’re all actually behaving better as well. I saw Jan helping a first year find the gym. Mark’s been doing charity work, for Christ’s sake. Maybe being seen as heroes is making them behave like heroes.

  PHIL considers his waffle. Decides it needs more jam.

  Yeah, everyone happy. Well it’s not all roses, you know. Brian’s on medication. Did you know that? Phil? Did you know that they’ve put Brian on medication?

  No answer.

  Yep, Brian’s off his head, John Tate hasn’t been seen in weeks, and the postman’s facing the rest of his life in prison, but, you know, omelettes and eggs, as long as you’ve your waffle, who cares.

  How do you feel?

  PHIL turns to her.

  Considers.

  For a long time.

  Opens his mouth to answer.

  Stops.

  Shrugs and goes back to his waffle.

  LEAH stares at him.

  I admire you so much.

  The waffle is ready. PHIL looks pleased.

  JAN and MARK enter.

  JAN: You better come with us.

  MARK: You really better come with us.

  LEAH: What is it?

  Beat.

  JAN: You really, really better come with us.

  LEAH goes with JAN and MARK.

  PHIL looks at his waffle, looks after JAN, MARK and LEAH, then back at the waffle. Irritated he puts it carefully away.

  * * *

  A Wood. CATHY, BRIAN, PHIL, LEAH, MARK, LOU and JAN.

  They stand around a BOY who looks like a tramp. His clothes are torn and dirty and his hair is matted with dried blood from an old gash on his forehead that has not been cleaned up. He stands there, twitchily, staring at them as though they were aliens and it looks as though he might run off at any moment.

  Finally PHIL speaks.

  PHIL: Hello Adam.

  ADAM: Alright.

  Pause.

  CATHY: We found him up there, up the hill

  BRIAN: I found him

  CATHY: living in a hedge

  BRIAN: a hedge, I found him, I found him, I found Adam living in a hedge, I found him

  CATHY: It’s like this hedge complex he’s made, you have to crawl to get in

  BRIAN: I crawled, I love crawling, I love crawling, Leah

  CATHY: Like a warren in this hedge and he’s dragged bits of cardboard and rags to make it better, more waterproof

  BRIAN: I loved it, Leah, it was like a hideout.

  CATHY: He’s been living in there.

  BRIAN: Living, she was shouting at me to get off the ground, but I love the ground, don’t you like the ground?

  CATHY: He was hiding away at the back.

  BRIAN: D’you ever feel like the trees are watching you?

  CATHY: Terrified.

  ADAM: No I wasn’t.

  BRIAN: D’you ever want to rub your face against the earth?

  JAN: No.

  BRIAN: He wouldn’t speak to us. I don’t think he knew his name.

  ADAM: Adam, my name’s, I’ve got a name, it’s...

  BRIAN: Shall we do that? Shall we rub our faces against the earth? What do you think, shall we rub our faces against the earth?

  CATHY: I think his head’s hurt.

  MARK: Who, Brian’s or Adam’s?

  BRIAN: Don’t they eat earth somewhere? Shall we eat the earth? I wonder what earth tastes like, what do you think it, do you think it tastes earthy, or, or...

  He bends down to eat a handful of earth.

  CATHY: I think he’s been up there for weeks. Hiding.

  I don’t think he’s very well. r />
  BRIAN: (Spitting the earth out.) That’s disgusting!

  He suddenly starts giggling as he scrapes the earth from his mouth.

  CATHY: I dunno how he’s survived, what he’s eaten.

  BRIAN: (Like it’s hilarious.) He’s probably been eating earth!

  He bursts into laughter.

  CATHY: It took me half an hour to get him to come out.

  BRIAN: D’you feel how wonderful this day is?

  CATHY: I used violence.

  BRIAN: She did.

  CATHY: I threatened to gouge one of his eyes out.

  BRIAN: She was gonna do it. She loves violence now. Can you feel the day licking our skin?

  CATHY: He’s a mess.

  MARK: Which one?

  BRIAN: Shall we hold hands? Come on, let’s hold, let’s hold, let’s hold hands, come on, let’s –

  Suddenly CATHY slaps him.

  For a second he looks as if he might cry, but instead he just giggles.

  LEAH: Okay. Right. Okay.

  Adam.

  ADAM: Huh?

  LEAH: Hello, Adam. How are you?

  ADAM: ...

  LEAH: Yeah. Great. Phil?

  PHIL says nothing.

  Because this is a bit... isn’t it. I mean this is really, talk about a bolt from the, yeah, shit. No, not shit, I mean it’s good

  LOU: Good?

  LEAH: it’s, yeah, yes it’s

  JAN: How is it good?

  LEAH: it’s, it’s good, Adam, that found, but I mean yes, it does make things a bit

  LOU: Fucked?

  LEAH: tricky, no, not... don’t say

  LOU: We are fucked.

  JAN: What are we gonna do?

  LEAH: Don’t panic.

  MARK: What are we gonna do?

  LEAH: I said don’t panic.

  MARK: We’re not panicking.

  LEAH: Good, because that’s the one thing that’s... So. Adam. How’s...how’s...how’s things?

  ADAM: I know my name.

  LEAH: Yes you do.

  ADAM: Adam, it’s Adam, my name’s Adam.

  LEAH: Good. Well that’s...

  BRIAN starts giggling.

  No, no, no Brian, that’s, that’s not gonna, so shut up. Please.

  CATHY: What are we going to do?

  LEAH: Phil?

  What are we gonna...?

  Phil?

  Phil?

  Say something Phil!

  Pause. But PHIL says nothing.

  LEAH: What happened.

  ADAM doesn’t answer.

  LEAH goes to him.

  What happened?

  ADAM: I...

  I was in a

  dark...

  Beat.

  walking, crawling in this dark, when you’re moving but with you hands and knees, crawl, crawling in this

  dark

  place and I don’t remember